Ya but - as a response to, "You hurt me".

“Ya but—”

You know that moment when you bravely tell someone, “You hurt me,” and instead of listening, they come back with: “Ya but…”?

That little phrase might be only two words, but it carries a suitcase full of avoidance. Instead of accountability, it packs in defensiveness, excuses, and sometimes even a full-blown reroute back to your flaws. “Ya but” is basically the conversational equivalent of slipping on a banana peel—suddenly, the focus shifts away from the hurt and onto their justification.

Here’s the thing: “You hurt me” isn’t an attack, it’s an invitation to repair. “Ya but” slams that door shut. It tells the other person, “Your pain makes me so uncomfortable that I’d rather defend myself than hear you.”

Want to grow instead of slip? Swap “Ya but” for “I hear you, and I’m sorry.” It’s amazing how two different words can transform a conversation from defensiveness to healing.

I once told a sibling that I felt they had bullied me—not just in childhood, but even into adulthood. Their response? A handwritten letter explaining that a decision I made which hurt someone else (not them) hurt them too—so, in their view, it was “the same” as the way they treated me. They then went on to list my faults and mistakes, as though that somehow justified the bullying.

That moment made things crystal clear. There was no accountability, no apology—only deflection and blame. And that’s why I chose to cut contact. I simply don’t have space in my life for relationships that stay stuck in immaturity when healing and growth are possible.

From a psychological standpoint, my sibling’s response tells us a lot—not about me, but about them and how they process accountability.

Here are a few possibilities:

🪞 Defensiveness & Deflection

Instead of hearing “You hurt me,” they redirected the focus onto your actions. This is a classic defense mechanism—deflection helps them avoid sitting with the discomfort of guilt or shame.

⚖️ False Equivalence

By comparing your choices to their bullying, they created a false equivalence—as if one hurt cancels out or justifies another. Psychologically, this can be a way of protecting their self-image: “If we’re both guilty, then I don’t have to feel bad.”

🚪 Avoidance of Accountability

No apology, no acknowledgment—just rationalization. This points to immaturity in emotional regulation. Admitting harm requires vulnerability, and for some people, that feels unsafe or threatening, so they avoid it entirely.

🧱 Projection

Listing your faults may also have been projection—a way of pushing their own discomfort onto you. It shifts the spotlight away from their behavior and back onto your mistakes, so they don’t have to face themselves.

💡 In short: Psychologically, my sibling’s reaction suggests they struggle with accountability, likely due to shame or fear of vulnerability. Instead of leaning into repair, they protected themselves with blame and justification. That says more about where they are in their growth journey.

Sometimes, when you bravely say “You hurt me,” the response you get says more about the other person than it does about you. Deflection, blame, or a refusal to take accountability often reflect someone’s own discomfort with shame or vulnerability—not the truth of your experience.

✨ If you’ve been met with excuses instead of empathy, know this: your feelings are still valid. Their inability to own their actions doesn’t erase your pain, and it doesn’t make you “too sensitive.” It simply shows where they are in their growth journey. You, on the other hand, get to choose healing, boundaries, and relationships rooted in maturity and respect.

✨ Affirmation

“I honor my truth, protect my peace, and choose relationships that reflect respect and care.”

🎨 Color Wellness Support

• 💚 Green – Supports heart healing, compassion, and balance.

• 💜 Indigo – Strengthens intuition, helping you trust your inner knowing when setting boundaries.

• 🌸 Pink – Encourages self-love and gentleness, reminding you that protecting your peace is an act of love.

Try wearing these glasses when reflecting or journaling, or visualize these colors surrounding you as a shield of calm and clarity.

Elizabeth Ann Creator and guide of Color & Convo LLC

1.719.671.5353